I know I know I know I should be grateful. I should be grateful to have his attention. To have him take such an interest in me.

I should. IknowI should.Iwill. No, you are grateful, Olivia, I tell myself as if I am my self's imaginary friend, sitting across the table, giving advice.Start acting grateful then, she begs.

I have a gift. I have a gift from God, he says. So rare he hasn't seen it in all his many years. I'm the real thing, he says. I'm a once in a lifetime, he says. I'm special and it's his responsibility to take me under his wing, to make sure I don't waste my talent. It would be a sinnotto help me, he says. It would be a sin for menotto take his offer of help.

But I swear to God . . .no. . . scratch that . . . I'll not be swearing to God . . . I swear to Who Knows What that his latest demand, this pile of typewritten pages he hands me with a face that says,Please, Olivia, oh please don't be difficult and just do this for me, is staring, no it's glaring at me from the coffee table like a monster that might eat me. I feel like if I touch it I will go up in flames or the pages might bite.

Am I making too much of this? Isn't it just a matter of grabbing hold of the stack and moving it in front of my eyes so my eyes will begin to scan those black marks on the page which will magically arrange themselves into words that my brain will recognize and understand andvolia, I'm finished before I know it.

Then, when he asks, because hewillask, I'll be able to answer truthfully, "Yes, I read it. Idid," and he will smile and I'll beGood Oliviaagain.

I wish I'd never won that stupid prize which is what got me noticed by him . . . no . . . what got mywritingnoticed by him which is what led to the initial introduction which somehow turned into communications and invitations and coffees and attending office hours and going to High Profile Events together--his words--even before the summer started.